Support, Empathy and Truth

Following the SET Formula

I have been reading about the SET formula developed by Jerold Kreisman, M.D. and I’ve found it genius ever since! It’s a great road-map to follow in a time of conflict, especially when the other person is opening up about their feelings. It stands for: Support, Empathy, and Truth.

When going into a conflict, it’s helpful to follow this easy model. Start with support by letting the person know you care about them and desire to be there for them. Start with something like, “I care about you and our friendship deeply.” This will let the other person know that you genuinely want to hear their side of the story and relate to how they’re feeling. This will go a long way in conflict resolution!

Once they know you support them it’s time to empathize. This means expressing to them you understand their feelings and what they might be going through, “It must be hard to.” You might not be able to know exactly what they are going through but perhaps you can relate to the emotion.

It’s important to clarify that validating feelings does not mean that you agree with them, only that you recognize that he or she is feeling them. The supportive communication method does not mean that you are letting the person off the hook; instead you are focusing on honest communication and ensuring that you are being heard, not just reacting to and defending against what is being said.

If they are feeling betrayed, perhaps there is a time in your life you felt that same way. If they feel misunderstood, maybe you can recall a time when you did as well. Find that shared emotion and tap into it; let that person know you both can relate and speak to where they’re at.

Only when you have let the other person know you support and empathize with them can you then share truth. Sharing truth means sharing a reality with them if you have a certain concern. They might not take your advice or follow through, but chances are they will receive what you have to say to them much better if they first feel like you care about them above all.

Following the SET formula helps to take the focus off of yourself and instead put yourself in the other person’s shoes. It opens their heart to conflict resolution and leads to a better understanding between the two of you.

reposted from the You Version Bible

I am finding the best way to learn is from those who have already found some success from the book that has been here before all of us.

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Don’t Be Afraid

Conflict

I would say one of the main reasons I avoid conflict is because I’m afraid of how the other person might respond. I get nervous they might be offended, or be hurt, or leave me. I’ve been so afraid of anything that resembled an argument or disagreement that I’ve shut down and avoided the conflict altogether.web1874729_ml

Maybe you relate and as a result, shy away from saying anything. Perhaps you end up living with the hurt or bottling it up, only to explode at another time. You can’t allow the fear of how another will react rob you of conflict resolution, and ultimately, peace.

Fear in this situation should be an indicator to yourself that conflict is not being handled properly. If this is you, today is the day you are being called to step out of that fear!

It is no coincidence you are reading this today and God has something He wants to do in your life in this specific area.

Will you let Him?

God did not give you a spirit of fear, but one of love, and this is a perfect reminder of how we should respond to any conflict. Go into it with love for the other person and God will honor you for that obedience. we all have these types of issues in our lives and some of us handle them better than others. I am working to not be one of those that are not willing to do the work on any conflict that I have. You shouldn’t be afraid to do the same. Don’t allow the fear to bottle you up to where you are shut down. Listen and hear first what your heart says then move on from there if possible.Conflict-Zones-600x250

 

Reposted from Navigating Conflict – You Version Bible

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Forgiveness

The thought of forgiveness is easy, actually reading about how to perform the actual act in the Bible and following it is another thing. I don’t think my interpretation quite matches that in the good book. I would love to say that I truly have forgiven everyone that has wronged or crossed me but I can’t honestly say that. I am working toward that goal though.

Forgive-picture-quote-free-downloadIt is not so much the forgiving part as it is the remembering and getting angry again. I am not sure if that is actually forgiveness. The lord is working with me on that one.

How are you doing with the forgiveness portion of your life?

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Time heals all pain if allowed. That is what we are told…..

There is enough pain in this world without sharing our deepest stories. no-death-no-mourning-no-crying-no-painIt is very awful to see such horrible imagery. In the future I think doing so will desensitize us against it in the end. Showing the imagery is great for the ones that can actually help with the issue. Showing the imagery to everyone just because is almost pointless. Everyone who sees it doesn’t feel empathy for what happened. Most of our world has a major imagery distortion that has been caused by video games, and violent movies.

Mourn with those who can help with your pain, leave those who cannot help until you are strong enough to return to the world and shine as your were intended to.

The people who have lost loved ones through senseless violence deserve to be respected and not mocked. Different groups use these mother’s, father’s, and families pain as a platform to boost their own personal images and agendas. Allow the families time; time to grieve, time to regain their strength to face the world again. These things need to happen before their lives are opened up to the world because we are fed up with what is happening.

There is pain that happens everyday, problem is we inflict most of it on each other everyday.

Violence is a misdirected tool against unarmed people

Violence happens all the time; too much even. To me violence seems to be a tool used to strike fear and to oppress. It has been used throughout time to do just that.

There are a lot of us dying out in the world at the hands of the people that are supposed to protect us. Whether it is fear or lack of training; whatever the reason it is happening. Black, Latino, White, we are all the same all that separates us is our experiences. Authority figures that are not properly trained or are not of a respectable class should not be on the street policing everyone else. They should not be allowed to join the forces that are supposed to protect everyone. Those are there should be removed privately; if they do not want to be removed then they should have a trial that shows how wrong they are. Removed from their post so that others may live. Life is too precious for those us trying to live correctly to be snatched from the earth at the hands of such a person.

Violence and Our World!

The violence happening in our world today is revolting. We get bombarded daily with personal and physical violence happening in areas that look like ours but are not ours. Our attitude is then upped and we have a hard time trying to grasp what happened. The loss of the family is great but we have also suffered that same loss because today we can experience it too.

Families have to share their pain with the world now. The concept is hard to cope with, we are shown these images and we then give a certain type of response whether positive or negative. Violence is the cord the world is playing right now and we are all ebbing and flowing to the beat of its music. The rights of all people are being violated today. There are deaths happening and there is nothing we can do about it. The policeman below talked a young man out of taking his own life. This was all over facebook, twitter, google+ and others. It is however outweighed by the negativity by all of the senseless deaths by anyone that kills without regard for human life.s064355227-300

1.) The police are scared
2.) There are not enough well trained police
3.) The people are scared of the police

When both sides are scared and they come in contact with one another the one with the most advantage will win. Horrible, horrible, horrible because many times the people with the most advantage and best trained are not even near the area where the conflict happens. When I was younger we knew the police in our neighborhood. They were always in our neighborhood not because it was a bad neighborhood but because they wanted to know us. There was a Jr. police force which we were on. Do I think this would help it couldn’t hurt could it? I don’t think that police who knew there victims would have victims. I think it would be very hard to kill someone you know. Police get out in the field as we have seen some of the more seasoned officers do and learn your surroundings, people, work environment.

Women Today…

mixed_couple_and_familyfemale_gradpowerful_woman

wonderful parents and son in an autumn garden. yellow autumn leaWomen today have options my mom and hers didn’t have. The women of today can work and have a family, the so-called having it all mantra that so many women have coveted. Then why is it that so many women are so unhappy? The conflict within is what I believe causes the unhappiness of those few unhappy ladies. There isn’t a balance created for themselves while they are acquiring and learning to be all of who they are.
I watched my mom as I grew up and noticed that once we were all at an age where we could help take care of the others she went to work outside of the home. Before that she was all about us kids. So what then happens when a woman is not allowed that choice? What if she wants the husband, the kids, and the career; gets it all and doesn’t know how to manage it all. What then? Is she going to need therapy to be able to deal with all that she encounters or will she just naturally know how to cope with all that has been thrust upon her?
I now see my wife and she has the big three and has a struggle to juggle things or keep all of the balls in the air at the same time. What do you do? What is sacrificed to have it all for women? Life is its own predictor of certain things it makes you choose; you may see a buffet but something is going to be left on the plate if you pile it too high. How do you cope with it all too? There are lots of little things pulling and tugging at you guys daily and that is even before you get to any of the three that are so coveted. Yes I mean yourself you guys forget about yourselves and just bury into life and trying to live the dream the way society wants you to. Well I want to tell my wife and other women to live life where it fits to what makes you comfortable. Have the conversations with your spouse delegate as much as you can. I know that is a challenge because only you can do it most times.

It would be great to hear thoughts on this topic,

 

Till next post, this has been,040616_1823_WelcomingMa1.jpgPost

Son’s Navy Graduation

We went to the Great Lakes to see our son graduate naval boot camp. It was an emotional day for all of us. We got in to Chicago and seen my wife’s sister and husband and talked about things to do once we picked him up and was allowed leave. Only when we finally were able to pick him up he was so stressed out from trying to prove himself to us that he wasn’t enjoying the visit from us. All in all though I think we were able to let him know that we are very proud of him and that he should really loosen up and enjoy the experience. I mean its his new beginning; where he is coming out a brand new butterfly that just emerged from his cocoon.download (6)

We were so happy to see him in that group of sailors and of course after he finally did loosen up he had some experiences to share with us. I was great and we could definitely see a lot of growth in him. The Navy has a lot of structure and foundation for him to be able to utilize as he moves through the early stages of his career. We think he will thrive in that environment, he follows instruction very well. It has been great to see the transformation into the young man he has become. It will also be great to see the man he wants to become, he is right on track at this point. download (2)As many of us know though it isn’t always a straight line that we must travel to get to our final destination. There will be some mistakes and wrong turns and you must learn from them all even when we don’t want to or think we did.

Sunday was a much better day even though it was shortened because we had to get back to North Carolina. He was in great spirits when we left. It was hard for us having to leave him there knowing our only access to him was through his phone. It was really fun hanging out with him and other family in the Chicago area.

Cavaliers capture History for the city of Cleveland

The NBA finals were history making and a little of fairy tale. There were villains on both teams and darlings on both teams you had Draymond and his antics along with what Steph and the Warriors thought they were fighting the “Officials”. Tristan Thompson and Kyrie Irving did their jobs very well and at a high level too. It was the Warriors series to lose and lose they did, they made history all season long even in loss they made history. They were the first team ever in the history of the NBA to lose a finals series with a 3-1 lead on their opponent. The series itself was not that great though the way the game is played today is a little faster but more calls to get the offensive players loose to be able to score. Because that is what fans want to see is a high score, or so that’s what many of the spin-off shows sponsored by the league says anyway. The play was well a little more restrictive to me being a defensive minded player myself. That is why us older guys are not out there now. A lot of them are in a coaches’ role or some type of supporting role that gives the younger generation some toughness.

Hats go off to the Cavaliers for being able to pull something like this off. Coming from a 3-1 deficit against the team that won 73 games and only lost 9.


The Warriors though they have a tough summer to get through this year, to know that you had a team down 3-1 one and couldn’t finish them is really confidence drainer, even if you did win 73 games in the regular season. This was the time to show that you are the team to beat and rest on your regular season reputation. Everybody who has played basketball at any level knows that you have to take the wins no one gives them to you. They didn’t take what they wanted, Steph shot jump shots he has the same ball control as Kyrie but he didn’t use it. He could have gotten in the lane just as Kyrie did but he didn’t. When in the final series of the season all the injuries and everything go out the window. I know the organizations are worried about their stars but they also want that championship if their star can get it to them. The Warriors stars could have given their city another championship. I think they bailed on the hard work that it was going to take to get over the hump called the Cavaliers. It was almost apparent that as the Warriors got even the slightest lead in any of the games after the first two they were going to coast. I don’t think that was Coach Steve Kerr’s thoughts but the players other than Green yeah. Klay is too talented a player as well as Steph, the others in Igoudala, Barnes, Livingston, Barbosa all of these guys disappeared after the first two games. How can that be after the chemistry that was built all season long of playing together and getting other teams to play your way. They did push the tempo enough in games to get out in transition and make the Cavaliers chase them as they had made teams do all season long. This was not the team that everyone watched all season. I will not bail them out either this is their job to play at a high level for an entire season not just for the regular season. What a miserable end to a season that saw you guys make history.


Cleveland congratulations at making history LeBron made everyone believe that they had the magic ticket and they did against the behemoth machine that had been destroying every team that stepped in front of them all season long including themselves. The Warriors had a system but they bought into the Cavaliers system trying to play as they do but without the length. The Cavaliers capitalized on every mistake the Warriors made as they should have. I have to say as many others are probably saying this morning that I actually thought the Warriors were going to win the series. I really did but the Cavaliers proved they wanted it more than the Warriors did. LeBron and the Cavaliers knew all too well what the sting of losing felt like and they wanted no part of that again, like he said “This is finals whatever I have to do and however it has to be done, I don’t care” We won. You can’t say it better than that. Celebrate Cavaliers everyone will be chasing you next year. Every game in your arena will be like a playoff game it will feel great enjoy it guys.

Till next post, this has been,

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