Very Welcoming and Thankful of Marital Blessings
These are the words that I speak to myself when I feel run down from different situations that a dad, husband and friend must shoulder. Jesus I need you. I need your wisdom and guidance. I need you to walk with me through this time, I have no need for you to strike the desire from me at all. I want to be able to understand and withstand the challenges that I will face going forward. I know with you in my life helping me to become a more righteous person I will succeed. I am more than just a conqueror I am a child of God. I will overcome what is thrown at me and my family and be stronger for having gone through it.
I do wish at times that this burden I am about to share was not mine but I do not wish it to be taken away now that have it. I only ask for the strength to withstand it, the knowledge to overcome it, and the words and platform to help another who may in the future have to go through something like this.
There have been things that I have gone through in my life that I know were self-inflicted. I have taken things that didn’t belong to me, I have sped down the highways of our state, I have said things against others. All of those acts are things that will have repercussions involved with them; meaning I will have to deal with what happens from those actions that I did. When you feel that you, yourself haven’t done anything to warrant an action being placed upon you feel attacked but you don’t know where the fight is coming from, so you can’t really defend yourself. Well that is what it feels like when you are in love with your spouse and it is not reciprocated in the fashion that you send it out. Here is more background on this type of issue. Everyone has a certain way of giving and receiving love. Everyone does whether you realize it or not you do. Knowing that and moving forward with the conversation say you are trying to make sure that your spouse feels loved across the entire spectrum. From this vantage point you feel accomplished and confident that you are putting the correct vibes out into the world to receive hopefully what you need from your spouse. OK here is where it gets sticky at. Even though you thought the love that you sent out was self-explanatory, what you expect to get back may not match what you sent out. The reason for this I have found is that your spouse has a different way of expressing their love towards you. Even though you send everything out; the gifts, acts of service, the conversation and words of affirmation, the affection and physical touch, and quality time. They may only need a couple of those to feel loved. Well say you need words of affirmation but are not getting them from your spouse. A conversation needs to happen same thing with any of the other languages of love that you need. I am a person who likes to spend quality time and show affection and physical touch with my spouse. Well my spouse likes for acts of service to be performed, meaning helping with the boys, cooking and cleaning and getting to those things that she cannot, and spending quality time as the second narrative for her to feel loved. Well I have sent out a lot searching for her language. Found out that she is receiving what she needs to feel loved. I on the other hand because of the problem we have may only receive a little of what I need and this over a period of time can build up and cause a rift if not talked about. I am not a relationship expert and do not claim to be at all. However, the practices that we all can do are so simple. Just having a conversation about how you have been feeling lately. The conversation should be uninterrupted and the spouse that is speaking never should be judged for those feelings. The other spouse should listen intently. Then the other spouse gets to let you know how they are feeling and you should listen intently. If there is anything that you know of that can be changed pretty quickly for your spouses benefit do so. If it will take time and some healing on your part needs to take place, then inform your spouse of it. Again allowing conversation to keep the spouse knowledgeable of your intent for the relationship.
We have been in a continuous loop for a while where we didn’t know what the other needed to feel loved in our marriage. Now that we know there are a few difficulties that will need to be worked out. There will need to be a third-party involved at some part for myself, I know this much already. I also know now that my spouse doesn’t believe. I don’t believe that she doesn’t want to but she really needs help to adjust her thinking from self to Christ. Once she gets there she will begin to see the wonderful grace that is given to us all. Conversation has really just begun for us but I am sure there are others out in the world that have this portion of their relationships down cold. It will take patience and planning to have this work for us.
I know though as long as I hold out hope for us we will overcome this together. There haven’t been any transgressions against the other or anything like that just an array of emotions that have gone unchecked for too long.
The conversations we have had are about what I need from her. The need for physical touch is what I need, however she is not a willing participant. I have found out that she is a woman who suffers from no libido or no sex drive. This is posing a challenge for me being a man who would like to have a physical relationship with his wife. There has been earnest talk about what can be done but talking to a person with this affliction proves to be very difficult. You see they don’t have any understanding anymore of what this means because they themselves no longer desire it. So you can imagine the conversations that we have surrounding this issue. I have tried several times in tears to let her know my feelings. Again without a desire for it herself she really has no emotional attachment or anything to me or our now non-existent sex life.
The things that I have found out are very alarming surrounding the female libido.
30% of women age 18 – 44
45% of women age 45 – 64
80% of women age 80 and older
The physical dips could be tied to a number of things, other than just physical desire. While for most women, the disappearance of a physical relationship could be due to a demanding lifestyle (high demand on a personal time that leaves them feeling less than rockin’ in the marital bedroom). Once a pleasurable physical relationship goes out the window, it tends to make becoming physical with your spouse even more challenging to work through because negative associations can pile up from stressful encounters. The problems that we are experiencing could be because of a few of the items above that I listed. Whatever the reason you two should follow-up with another. Support one another whatever the reason now our problem is because of no sexual desire or physical touch from my wife.
For your issue it could be you the male of the relationship with low testosterone, erectile dysfunction, or you could be over stressed from work. Again any number issues can plague us as well. With conversation and support from one another and an adjoining life with Christ you can make a strong and righteous link back to one another again. The research which is hard to find on women is there in black and white in some of the medical journals. This is going to be a huge problem for the faithless if something is not done. Faith in each other and Christ has to be what strengthens you. I have a strong faith today, I also know that at some point I will need to go and speak with someone about the issues I am having with not having a physical relationship with my wife. The thought of it makes me second guess my strength. Being strong does not mean that we shoulder everything by ourselves, we have to be able to share our experiences. This helps us in our healing and may help someone else later.
So this is not a problem just for us but for our son’s as well. I think constantly what to tell them if they confide in their father about such an issue. I want to have some sort of resolution for them other than just buckle up son. It is a helpless feeling that seems to have no end it really is. My spouse does not offer any conversation about our issue only saying that she just doesn’t want to. This drives me crazy because it is not like I am asking for her to be physical all the time. I want the quality of what sex and being together brings to a relationship. That closeness and tenderness; all of it has dried up for now. I don’t question why I am still here in the marriage because I made the vows to her and our lord and savior to hold them true. Couples there is no resource on the internet, there are only people who wish to sell you something for your spouse that probably will not work. The best efforts that I can think of have to come from within each of you and your walk with Christ. If you have not begun to walk with him and are in this situation there will be a limitless time of hopelessness. As far as the internet goes you could probably find people there to talk about the problem with. That is about it. I can tell you this to get a resolution about the problem the best person to speak with about the problem is the person in the relationship with you.
I know it may sound very cruel and hard what I am personally going through. We all have things that we have to bear in this life; this just happens to be mine. I did not write this for sympathy but as a testimony to being made stronger to be able to be tested through this trial. You cannot give up; to give up is to admit failure, and to admit failure without having exhausted every option is just cowardice in my eyes. I will continue to work on this with my wife in hope that a resolution will surface for us. When it does we will be happy to share with the masses. I am sure for those of you that are walking in faith as I am, that you know this will not be an easy task. Saying you have faith is easy living faithful is the trial and where the blessing will come in at. Anything that is truly tested is always made stronger for it.
Thanks for reading there will be more posts on this so check back,